


too dark to see

by selinipainter



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Spoilers for 2x16, excuse the trashness of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-12
Updated: 2015-03-12
Packaged: 2018-03-17 12:37:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3529742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selinipainter/pseuds/selinipainter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can't save a girl on fire who burnt herself to ashes, you can't save your best friend from breaking into pieces. You can't save your leader from herself.</p><p>What you can do is this: you let her go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	too dark to see

“I think we deserve a drink,” he said. Camp Jaha doesn’t look like home, not like the dropship and makeshift tents they had for a month. But it can become home soon enough, eventually.

She laughs, knocking his shoulder. He slings an arm around her shoulders and tows her back to camp, handing her off to the masses who hug her and cry and laugh with her. Everyone wants to touch her, the girl who brought their sons and daughters home, the leader who saved her people and her friends. Everyone wants to thank her because they are all safe, all of them. And he could not ask for anything more.

Except when has anything gone his way? When has anything gone easily for him?

This is how it goes.

She stayed silent on the walk back, lingering in the back of the group. Octavia will not come anywhere near her, the urge to avoid Clarke so strong that she marched resolutely forward. Jasper fumed by Harper’s side and really, the only other ones who bothered watching Clarke’s back is Miller and Monty. Raven ordered Wick firmly to stay near Clarke, at first. But Clarke kept falling further and further back and really, any more further and she might as well stayed on the mountain. Raven took the hint and stopped talking to her then.

She smiled, a little, “Have one for me.” And he knew in that moment, knew what was coming. But he has to try, has to because there was once a time when he nearly walked away because he was so scared and he was a monster. And she stopped him, she knew the right words to say and the right thing to do. She managed to draw him out of all the anger and self loathing. He has to do this, for her.

“Clarke, if you need forgiveness, I’ll give that to you… You’re forgiven." She won't meet his eyes, and he tries to, tried leaning a little into her line of sight.

"Please come inside,” she looked away towards her mother and how poetic this was, everything come full circle. The monster turned hero, the princess turned monster and on and on _and on_.

“Clarke,” the words get stuck in his throat, because what can he say to her _? Don’t leave me alone? I can’t lose you too_? _You did good here_? Because this is the truth of it, everything she has done, she did for their people and never anything for herself. He would only be selfish imposing all that on her.

“I bear it so they don’t have to,” she sounded so removed and yet, even now she was protecting them. _Heavy is the head that wears the crown_ , he thought.

He wanted to say _don’t go alone, take me with you_ except what came out is “Where are you going to go?”

 _What are you going to do? Are you going to be safe?_ , too much at stake and she can’t go alone, not without backup or supplies. What if she gets in trouble?

“I don’t know,” her voice broke then, a little.

He can’t say anything more, because his leader, his best friend is so broken he can’t fix her. He swore to protect her, knew he would do anything to protect her. But he could not protect her from herself and she is _always_ going where he cannot follow, always taking on burdens like she is Atlas and this is her world to carry. He can’t protect her, not from this, not from herself and especially when not when she doesn't want it. When she kissed his cheek, it take everything in him not to break and cry. He wished more than anything in that moment, wished that he could have pulled that lever alone and not inflicted the burden on her too. 

He does not hug her tightly, he can’t fold her into himself and away from all her pain. He can't help himself though, when his fingers get tangled up in her hair and can't help trying to memorise the feel of her in his arms.

(He can’t admit it that if he holds her tightly, he will never be able to let her go. He can’t admit that it takes everything in him not to cry, for the girl on fire who burnt herself to ashes.)

“May we meet again,” she said, separating from him. If his hands clung on to her jacket for a moment, no one will ever know.  If he turned away and stared at the sun, because he cannot watch her leave, no one will ever know that either.

“May we meet again,” he walked away, away from his best friend, away from his leader and his rock. He walked and walked, ignoring all the people milling around him till he reached his tent, fell on his bed and dragged the pillow over his head.

He doesn’t leave the tent till the next day. He can’t face Abby Griffin, he can’t bear to tell the remaining kids that their leader was gone.

 

(He discovered later Monty had done that for him. Raven barged into his tent, limping and demanding why he was not with Clarke. “I needed to let her go, Raven.”

"You left her to go alone!" she roared at him, "No supplies, no food, NO RADIO!"

He can't help but step back in the face of her anger, he didn't know they had patched up that much.  Octavia turned up then, Monty following her.

"Clarke can handle herself," Octavia said, a little harshly. The fracture lines of Tondc are still there. Bellamy sometimes wants to shake her and sometimes wants to hug her. Because she had been there and she could have died, but Clarke had no choice and everything is so messed up.

"Fucking hell, Octavia! Bullets will run out then what will she do? Where will she go?!"

"Clarke will be ok. Clarke always is, isn't she?" Monty said.

Raven sighed and fell on his bed, "She'll be, she better be be. I just... she's alone you know.")

 

What he can do is lead the camp,  without her but for her. Till she comes back, because she will, _she will_. It was the only thing left he could do for the princess who set the ground aflame to save her people, for the girl who burned a mountain to bring their people home.

 

A week after she settled in, she stepped out of the bunker only to find a basket of supplies beside the door and a little flask of Monty’s moonshine.

_Remade a still (Kane pretends not to know), first batch’s for you Monty said. Have a drink for me, Clarke._

At least she won’t starve, she thought before going back in.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Knocking On Heaven's Door, a RAIGN cover of the song. I don't know who is the original song. All I know is the song is making everything hurt worse.
> 
> Excuse the trashness of this fic because I am really sad over the episode, ok really, I am upset because everything hurts DESPITE the fact everyone survived (except Maya, may we meet again :( ) The Bellarke scene at the end was both uplifting and heart RIPPING at once.
> 
> (Also the bunker she is in is not the Finn one because well I don't think she is ever gonna go there again. It's the gun bunker she found with Bellamy.)
> 
> Please come to [my tumblr](http://valkyromanov.tumblr.com/asksubmit) and cry over this episode together with me?


End file.
